Posted tagged ‘john holmes’

8 out of 10 cats (Alternative title ‘Martin Sheen loves Fat Cats’)

31 October, 2008

 

An idea I had for a TV pilot that many stations considered, funded, but ultimately rejected;

A one off special show from the U.S.A. where Derren Brown takes 10 stray cats off the streets of Harlem, painstakingly guts & skins them, liquidises the insides and then dry cleans their coats.  Derren expertly sows back together the skins of each separate cat so that they are ready to be refilled for posterity. 

 

Martin Sheen is then hypnotised into thinking he’s a taxidermist with a deadline. 

 

Derren hands Martin 8 of the hollowed out McCavity’s and orders him to fill them all equally and sufficiently with the aforementioned catmash.  The always enthusiastic, thorough and headstrong Mr Sheen gets down to business, elbow deep in reformed, moist, malleable, pussy meat for the first time since the late ‘70’s.  He makes good progress managing to stuff 7 of the hairy fluffers in 45 minutes, setting a new state record in the process (one previously held by John Holmes).  Sheen’s definitely making a fist of this last one though…

 

After an hour or so Sheen can be heard exasperating, “There’s too much, I can’t get it all in, it’s oozing out of the ears! There’s just too much, I don’t know where to put it!  THEIR EYES ARE ALL… …. GOGGLY!” with this Martin cracks and starts to sob quietly, one forearm engulfed by an overweight tortoiseshell, round its now bulging neck a stretched collar has a glinting platinum name tag, fluttering like an asthmatic butterfly in a Dyson.  The sobs quieten, they become less frequent and Sheen attempts to compose himself, the camera zooms in on the slowly swaying name tag that we can now see has the word “Roo” engraved on it. 

 

It’s at this point we expect Derren to take mercy on one of the most adequate actors of his generation.  But no, in one final twist Derren uses the name tag to further hypnotise Sheen and make him believe he is now a ventriloquist whose main act is to pretend to be Johnny Marr with a cat named Morrissey.  It’s here where Sheen’s acting prowess comes to the fore as he slips effortlessly between the slurred, droll, Mancunian dialect of the louche Marr and the haughty ambivalence of his furry, lyrical friend;

 

“One for old time’s sake Morrissey?”

“#Take miaowww, tonight…#”

 

Derren leaves Martin alone, happy in the fact that once more he’s proved he’s better than someone else.

This show is dedicated to the cats who gave their lives so our world could be a better place, true professionals and patriots to the last and an inspiration to us all;

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Roo/Morrissey with Sheen/Marr 

Meat is Murder

Hand in glove

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lion-O

I know it's over

I know it's over

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

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Elliott
Reel around the fountain

Reel around the fountain

 

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Rocky
Frankly Mr Shankly

Frankly Mr Shankly

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Moxy

Some girls are bigger than others

Some girls are bigger than others

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Jasper
Rubber ring

Rubber ring

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Cousteau
You just haven't earned it yet baby

You just haven't earned it yet baby

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Willow
Stretch out and wait

Stretch out and wait

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Tinkerbell
Half a person

Half a person

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And a special mention for Naboo and Monty who were never refilled.
(Only 10 cats were hammed in the making of this pilot.)
Interested in a career in taxidermy!? Then go to www.meatpuppets.com and fill your boots! 

 

 

 

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